A challenge for a new year

I flew home from my holiday in Switzerland December 31st. What a wonderful visit and I am certain I will be back sooner than later. This trip changed my life. I found love, and connected with my brother, niece and nephew in a special way, it had been 4 years since I last saw them.  

My mum picked me up at the airport in time to go back to her place for an early dinner of all the snacky things. No big NYE plans here. The way I prefer it honestly.  I told myself I wasn't going to drink because it was a super boozy holiday and my liver and my mind needed a break but within 10 min mum was pouring me a glass of wine and I was opening presents. I'm 35, she spoils the shit out of me still. The point about having a boozy holiday and drinking wine when I landed in Canada is that, while I had an amazing vacation the boozing and eating took it's toll on me physically and mentally.  I hadn't been to the gym in over 20 days. Maybe some people, and I wish I could be in this category, can have a holiday and understand that all this is OK and resolve to get back on track later. I certainly resolved to do this but not without a whole hell of a lot of self loathing between the lines. It`s not a mental space I like to be in. But I don`t always know how to get out when I'm in the midst of it.   

​My problem is it's always been an all or nothing situation for me. I don't want to be this way. (so change, right?) I'm either sober and eating salad and yogurt or drinking way too much and binge eating cheese and bread and sweets. And I really mean binge eating. One night I stood half drunk and half asleep eating everything in site. The furthest thing from mindful eating possible. Probably thousands of calories I don`t even know. Then cue a  hangover, belly ache and self loathing the next morning. I don`t have all the answers to finding balance. I don`t always have the will power to have one glass of wine and not 5, or for opening a bag of chips and then sealing it again. 

I`m writing this from my apartment in PEI, home for a couple days now. Our work staff party was last night and I opted to stay sober. I had to. One last hurrah could spiral me into another week of feeling like shit. I don`t know what my long term goal is. Currently I have a sober app downloaded on my phone and it counts the days you stay sober, which full disclosure I reset three times in the first three days. For sure I will reach 30 with no booze or weed. I have to. I have never considered myself an alcoholic or having a huge problem with marijuana but maybe that is the epitome of denial. I often take booze breaks for a week, or two, or a month, but then inevitably I end up drinking and eating too much for a period of time and feeling like garbage. I am not sure I`ve ever completely gone without booze and weed at the same time. Herein lies my determination to prove that I can.  I don't think there is anything wrong with eating and drinking and smoking in plenty, if you can be happy and are not hurting anyone in doing so then go for it.  It's a personal thing. My mental state suffers, I am prone to anxiety and depression already. I wish I could indulge in things in moderation and not over do it. In my perfect world this is how it would be because obviously these activities are enjoyable on some level. Anyway, my sober app is currently at 2 days, 3 hours 11 minutes and 57 seconds. Today will be day 3 back at the gym. Slowly I am starting to feel more level, more like myself. Everyday Sober Time shares an inspirational quote. Today it says. "Happiness is not an accident, nor something you wish for. Happiness is something you design"  Seems legit. I know conceptually that I always have a choice and I am accountable for my actions and my habits or addictions whatever they are. Now I`m going to go make oatmeal with fruit for breakfast and start the day with positive intentions. Writing out thoughts and feelings surely is therapeutic. Pressing the post button somehow makes me feel more accountable to my goal even if no one ever comes across this page. Sometimes you have do things for yourself even if it means you might ruffle a few feathers. If it is a challenge for you or gets you out of your comfort zone it might just be a good thing and probably means you are on the right track.