Saying Goodbye and Making Raspberry Jam

​One thing is certain in life, and that is change. This past week, I said goodbye to my sweet girl, Neva. My loyal friend and companion for the past 12 years. She was the most incredible being. She had a quiet intensity, an almost regal quality that conjured attention and affection from mostly all who crossed her path. She rarely spoke, and sometimes I think she probably thought it was a waste of time. Her autonomy of self -  always intact to the best of her ability - she was her own dog. ( I always hated that I couldn't grant her more autonomy) I didn't frame her presence in my life as something to be owned. The nature of owning a pet defies that, of course, but I detached myself from the idea of it. Our souls intertwined, so much affection and love....but she was not my possession. Last Sunday was her time to exit my life, and I am doing my best to let her go with all of the grace I can muster. 

I'll never forget our last evening together. Her, plucking cherry tomatoes off of my growing plant, nose shoved between branching stems trying to gain access. Then she sat down by my raised bed, and I took a quick phone picture.

The next morning was her last. Refusing food, refusing a walk, but seemed content to lay on the back deck. When I left her for a bit and came back, she had dug a little hole that I had filled 100 times before. This year I planted an entire garden over top of that giant hole. Neva gave one last dig in that same spot. I let her walk inside to the living room, and I muttered with love "you're still not trust worthy" lol, thinking I could trust her because she wasn't very mobile in her old age. She laid on my bed which was rare. I sat with her crying and scratching her ears, I knew she wasn't OK, but she was calm, and 12, and we had just been to the vet for the start of arthritis treatment. I went to work. I came home and I found her forever resting in her favourite spot by the sofa. No animal will ever be able to replace Neva. I know everyone's pet is special, but she truly was exceptional. I am so grateful. ​

​Then a couple of days later, only starting to process the loss, I made raspberry jam for the first time.

​I've literally never canned a damn thing in my life. How embarrassing. I used gorgeous local raspberries. Now this significant food memory will always be intertwined with a significant goodbye. My jam making was a success, by the way. I called my mum to walk me through it because I needed moral support....never mind that I am a chef by trade. I had never canned before...had a mental block to doing it for some reason...and so calling your mum is just what you do. I think now I am about to go on a canning spree because it was stupid simple, and I was so pleased with myself having finally, and successfully, canned something. Raspberry jam is my favourite jam, and I fully intend to save a few jars for my Raspberry Oat Cookies, a recipe I recently created, shared and quite honestly covet. 
Here's to goodbyes being gateways to birthing new beginnings. To allowing yourself space to grieve while holding gratitude for what is and was. I am beyond privileged. Neva, I will miss you in about a million different ways, and will love you forever.